When a friend says goodbye

I sit here....she has been taken away... a sheet over her body...off to the morg. I sat there, looking out the window and half way though the "Yellow Brick road" as she called it, I had to run inside, lock myself in this room and go bananas. I looked over and and see her laptop.. Thank goodness, I can let this out.. Type Jen Jen, Type! I can hear her say it... Bye Bye my beautiful friend. J
Everyone started coming over in no time. I am in her office, door locked. I don't want to see anyone, I want to see her again.. Please God, one more look, one more hug, one more time that we hold hands like sisters that we've been for so long. Please can I ask for one more day? Please! just one more second?.

I thought I was prepared for this, but how can I be? Was I stupid to think that it wouldn't hurt this bad because I wanted her to feel no more pain? My pain is that I will never be able to see her or hear her voice ever again, NEVER....Yes Sus I said the word Never, you hated that word but in this case, my beautiful friend, Never is the word...

This will be my last chance to use your laptop, no more coming to your house and playing poker on line with her. Me on this laptop and her on the PC.. Her trying to cheat, that's why I always had the laptop, I could move away so she didn't see what my poker hand was.. She did it in purpose though, she always found a way to get me going and she always said "I just love the face you put when someone cheats at games, your baby blues pupil gets huge and a vain over your forhead pops!" Well Sus, guess what, my baby blues (as you called them) right now are swallen, red and very very sad.. not like a clear ocean but more like murky water.

As I put my fingers in every key I can feel you hand.. Why? Why did you go? why can't I spend one more day? Did I miss saying anything to you before you left? Did you? I did tell you I love you every chance I got. After every sentence in the past weeks I made sure you knew how much I love you and how much I will miss you and what our friendship ment to me?...

Now, you are going from a full beautiful 5"8' body and when you come back you will be ashes in a 12 inch blue Crystal Urn that you bought in Turkey 12 years ago. Funny that when you came back from that trip you showed it to me and said "I loved this Urn, so don't break it Jen cos when I die I want my ashes here, ok? DON'T TOUCH IT!" little did we know. And when you come back I will touch that Urn Sus, I will hug that Urn Sus, Can I? I promise I won't break it..

I just looked at the corner of the room and there is the rock and lock we rigged a month ago, ready to attach to that Urn, ready to be submerged in the Lake that you love, ready to throw some of your ashes into the wind, the moutain, and then, as your requested, leave some in the Urn cos you want to be part of the deepest part of that Lake.. In my car I have the little bottle you bough on line 3 montsh ago and just gave me 2 weeks ago.. You know me so damn well that you knew that I would want some of your ashes. And as I promised you, I will put some in there. I don't want to keep them with me in my home and you know why but I did promise you that after we have your "CIAO BAMBINA PARTY" as you call it, I will hike to out spot, dig a hole where we always sat and talked for hours until 4am sometimes and pour those ashes there... Our place, with that tree and out names on it and the little lines we carved everytime we went there, as you said "Robinson Crusoe did it why can't we"... Who knows I might carve a small heart next to out names, not to worry Sus you always said that it would be so corny, but I need you to know that part of my heart will stay with you.. I told you that I would have my own way to say goodbye and that is it... I need to do that.. I need to climb to our spot and yell as lound as I can, let it go.. I know you know what I mean.... And so everytime I want to see you and talk with you I will drive there, sit on our rock and talk.. I know there will be times that I will talk to you from home or anywhere but that spot always meant so much to us.. We pour our heart out there, we laughed so hard, we always said that if it wasn't a State Park we would build a small tree house there.. We were like two kids hiding from the family and ran into our hiding place... Ok I am sure Terry will go with me, after all she was part of our crazy talks, genious moments and crazy ideas on how to make this word a better place... I will do it Sus. For old times sake.

Her bed is now removed from that room that once was white. The machines, life support, tubes, wheel chair, all gone.. All gone... She's gone.. SHE IS GONE! SHE IS GONE?????.. No, it can't be.. Please God tell me this is a horrible nightmare. Tell me that I will wake up and she will be there, ready to go camping, swim in her pool, tackle me or try to drown me in it. Please tell me that when I get up from this chair she will do what she always did to me.tell me I will feel that pinch on my breast that hurt so bad, which now is the pain is in my heart. Really really really my heart is in horrible pain. it feels like so lonely... Empty.. I guess a part of my heart died with her. I wonder if that part of my heart that died will follow her to the Universe. I hope it does. Who knows...All I kow for sure is that she is DEAD! DAMN IT! Shit it hurts..

To think that she wanted to turn that room where she died into a cool game room before her birthday. Which is tomorrow. That never happened. Thank goodness I came up with the iddea of celebrating it last weekend, although singing Happy Birthday was so hard fro me, I managed to contain my voice from shaking, but you were looking straight at me Sus, were you wondering if tomorrow I will sing Happy Birthday like I always do? one song for every year you live? I don't think I can do it Sus, I think my last Birthday song for you was last weekend.. Sorry it was only one time and not 25 (since that's the limityou always gave me).. I will try ok.

Last November Sus and I decided to go over our music records a.k.a LP's. We put her's, Terry's and mine together. Decided which ones where cool to frame and put around the edge of the walls, near the ceiling. We would decide, based on the main color of the records what the wall and chair color and decor would be.

We decided that we would make our own game table. Sus didn't want a small table, oh no!, She wanted big, big enough to sit 2o people. Big enough to have our annual Mistery Parties with everyone sitting around one long rectangular table. Play Dominoes with friends, as she said "I want a table where 20 can play as well as 2 so it's got to be big". We had plans... She had plans. Death adn Illness was not anywhere in her plans...Who came up with that stupid idea?.Not her, not Terry not I for sure.. Who the fuck came up with that, PLEASE TELL ME, I want to know why!

Why did we make those plans then and not followed through? Did the stars know what was going to happen? Did her little guardian anger flick it's wand and filled us with a curse of procrastination? Who knows... It didn't turn out to be a party room after all. It became her hospital room. Although she never liked white walls Terry and I painted them a mix of orange and red, Sue said it was like the room at the house she had rented few years ago in the mountains in Mexico. How would I know? I am color blind, but Sus liked it. That's what's important.

Sus always liked my photography, she wanted to see the ocean again so I went to kinkos and enlarged one of my photographs I took 10 years ago when we went to the beach. She also loved women. oh my God did she love women! Specially tall blonds, so we also put a photograph of her favorite blond, yes Ms Heather Locklear.

There are frames with pictures of her close friends all around. Shelves with books she loved to read, mostly children's books. Next to her hospital rental bed there is a nice couch. She wanted Terry to get a new one so whom ever came to visit would be confortable and she didn't want the rest of the house changed "This house is NOT a hospital, the only room o' illness is this one" Terry and I went to "THE DUMP" and bought a confortable couch. Sus always wanted to go to "THE DUMP" just because she liked the way the guy said it in the commercial, since then everytime she had to take the trash out she would say "Honey, I am going to DA DUMP". I just hope I don't hear that commercial anytime soon...

I spent several nights sitting, sleeping and reading her the newest People magazine and books. I don't know why but last moth she asked me to go get Playboy Magazine, she didn't want to look at the centerfold, just read the articles, and I did. It's been many many moons since I bought a Playboy magazine, but for her I would do anything. I did everything she wanted me to do, and in my hard times or good time she always left what she was doing to be with me either for support or just a go do Happy Hour. We were inseparable friends...

23 years of friendship is a life time for me. Now that she is gone, every instant, every memory, every smile, laughter, tears, hard times and good times flashes through my brain.

She was one of the funniest people I've ever met. Few people have made me laugh to the point where I run out of breath, laugh so hard to where tears come out and start balling crying. She was also a gentle soul. She had the heart of gold. Said it like it was, no beating around the bush, like it or not she would tell you what she felt, thought or wanted to say. Sometimes she made me realize in one second that I was messing up and cheered me constantly when good things happened to me or I did something that I was proud of. We were each other's cheer leaders or like she used to call me "her official Perker Upper"

Who am I going to call when I have nightmares in the middle of the night? Will her soul and energy be around me at all times? She believed in that, and she told me 2 nights ago that not only do I have one little angel looking after my sholders, I will have two and I better behave cos she won't cut me any slack. I hope she is right, I need to feel her soul, her precense near me, is she here now or is she around the universe checking things out? She always wanted to explore new things. When we went anywhere she would like to leave the path and see what else was out there, where no one had been, she had a sense of adventure like no other. She tought me that in the woods if you follow the path that's been walked on you will be missing 90% of what's really around. There were times when we got off the safe path in the woods, got scare like hell and ran back to the safe path but at least we knew what was out there, Poison Ivy oh she knew what they looked like. Is she explorin what's out there? is she with Jack now? With Alex? with her friends that have passed? or it is like on a trip to Australia that it takes 24 hours to get there, you just fly the friendly sky's for a while.. Who knows...

Oh Sus, why! Why! why! why! why you? why? Why such a healthy person had to have one illness and took her away in no time? Why God? Why do you take the good ones?... I can't handle one more. First Jack, then Alex then Sus... In a way the trust and soul mate I had in Jack went to Alex then he left, Sus was there for me then, not with my Brother but with Alex. She was my Sould Mate friend. Some said that we acted like a married couple but that was never our intention. We were more than sisters, more than best friends. No one can replace my Sus. That part of my heart will always be alone without her here. One more chunk has died.. How many chuncks do I have left damn it?...

Terry and Victor have left the house, they said they will be back. Guess what Sus, the house is empty.. Completly empty now.. Could you come over once again? can you come and look at me again? I won't get scared of you, even though you told me that if I ever feel someone is pulling my feet when I am in bed, it would be your soul.. Can you do that today? right now? PLEASE GOD DAMN IT.. FUCK FUCK WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!.. Alone.. hwo can I really explain what I am feeling? Here I am typing my freaking feelings away, why? cos I don't have you Sus? I don't .. And I don't want anyone else near me, around me, with me, listening to me, I can't really talk, I can't barely see the keyboard, my eyes have not stoped from crying, my glasses filled with tears that everything is blurry.. Why Sus/// Why can you please tell me why? Can someone fucking tell me what the fuck happened? I am so fucking angry now.. my fingers and hitting each key as hard as I can.. I want to hit a wall but I can't, you told me never to do that again after I pretty much messed up my nuckles 5 years ago. I promised you I wouldn't do it again and I am keeping my promise to you Sus.. YOU HEAR ME DAMN IT>> SUS? CAN YOU FUCKING HEAR ME ... ... ...

I am still alone in this huge house and yes I just screamed from teh top of my lungs.. I did that so I woudlnt freaking stop breathing. I hope I don't have many missspelled words but I don't think I have the time to do spell check, nor do I want to.. What it's in this blog I won't read again.. It will stay there, just in case the universe catches up with technology and you can read it.. I guess you were right Sus, Blogging is good therapy... My head is pounding.. my eyes are swalen, my heart is hurting so fucking bad.. I need to get some water.

Sus, Terry and Victor are back, house not empty anymore. I need to say goodbye to this blog, I need to be strong for Terry. I promised you that I will make sure she is ok and I will keep that promise.

Sus, I love you, I miss you,REst in peace my beautiful friend, let the angels take you by the hand and lead you to peace and no pain. I will see you somday babe, not soon I hope but someday.

I feel better now Sus, again, in a way thanks for listening to me the entire lifetime of frienship and more than anything Sus, I thank you for every second we had together, every phone call and most of all for the time we had a couple of days ago, me and you, we did say good bye. and the tear I kissed that ran on yoru face I can still taste it. It went through my lips and into my heart and that's where it will stay.. Always. I will never forget you Sus, ever. I am taking your favorite t-shirt with me. And by the way, yrou office still smalls like you.. I guess I will go into yoru closet now and take a last smell of yoru clothes so I don't forget your body odor, which by the way, I guess Liz Taylor will notice less ammount of sales of her perfume. I will lether know someday that you were her number one customer.. Smile my friend, I leave you with a smile, just like you left so peaceful and yes I could see your smile...

Good Bye my Soul Mate friend, go make the angels laugh, jsut watch the dirty jokes. lol
Peace out!.
Your Jen Jen