What is family really

I've always had a doubt in my heart. A doubt about what family truly is. What is it? I can tell you. My family are my close friends. My family is my cat Ricky. That's my family. The older I get the more I realize that I am not like anyone in my "blood" family, I don't even have their blood running through my veins and that is a great thing.

I left my country 26 years ago, ready to hang start a new life on my own. I didn't know how I was going to do it. I din't know where I was going to live. I didn't know where I was going to work. I just knew I had to get as far away as I could. But I didn't, I didn't move to Greenland, and not because it's way too cold but because I didn't want to be too far away from my "family" why? Because I didn't want them to think I abandoned them, yes my heart gets on the way sometimes but then I know I have been a good daughter, a good sister and to my friends I have been a great friend.

I guess I am disappointed, hurt, fed up, rejected, back stabbed, unheard, used, lied to, and verbally abused and it's ok because as of today I will let all that go. No more crap, no more of me giving a hand to be taken by the foot. NO MORE.

I am tired of people who use others and run over you if needed. Enough!.

I am tired of people who take advantage of situations and think other people do not notice.

I am tired of people who instead of talking about an issue, sent it through text.

I am tired of being called a liar because my ex tells them lies but I am the liar?

I am tired of my sister taking sides with a person who beat me, messed up my car, verbally abused me and still I AM THE BAD GUY.

But what I am tired and fed p with is people who can't think of any other way to survived but to take advantage of people for themselves to be comfortable.

When I left home and moved to the USA I didn't have money, I didn't have a job I didn't have a home or a car, just a backpack, guitar and $500.00 thinking I would get a job ASAP. Wrong!. I looked for jobs day and night and it was November so it was cold and end of the year, hard to get a job, I ended up living in the streets for 3 weeks until I had a job and a first paycheck to rent a room in a really nasty side of town BUT I needed shelter to keep me warm and that's all I could afford. I walked to my 3 jobs every day each job was a mile or more away. Yes I might sound like my father but my point is, when you have a job you can start your life by getting a roof over your head and then work on the rest, like a car, furniture etc. In the end, when we work hard for things we get they are of more value to you that if you got them for free.

My nephew moved to my town, I wanted him to now go through what I went through. He finished college and moved in with me and my ex. For 2 months he paid no rent, no food nothing, we let him drive our second car. He moved to the loft behind the house, which we also have a full bar with pool table in the garage, and a 12 person jacuzzi outside and again a good car. ALl firniture for his loft was given to him by a fried. Bed, sofa, love seat, dinning room table ALL OF IT.

I broke up of that relationship, yes I was beaten up, yelled at, nothing I did was right, and I paid all the bills, why because my ex was disable and my nephew was not working, I CARRIED THE BURDEN.

My nephew got a job with a very good company who's headquarters are in a very transited area, buss stop, train stop etc. Also surrounded by apartments all around the building.

I stayed living at in that house because I didn't know how I could get out and be able to afford a lace for me and him, after all, my ex milked me off my savings and any money I had. Once day I had enough, it was either talk with my nephew or go crazy. I told him I was moving out to my old apartment which I still had, yes it is a 1 bedroom studio apartment. I told him we could move there, he could sleep in the studio, however he would either have to put his firniture in storage or sell it but it wouldn't fit in my already furnished BY ME apartment. This were his words, and I quote "I can't sell my furniture, I need a car too" I replied "I can't give you a car and since the ex pretty much messed up my car, I didn't have a car either so it was bus and trains for a while. Nope he didn't like that, so he stayed living in the comfortable loft, paying 500.00 per month for a nice loft in a nice house with a nice car.. Damn! how cool and cheap is that?. Meanwhile he was upset in paying that because he couldn't afford 500.00 p/month.. WHAT? WHY? he has a full time job at a major mortgage company/Insurance company making over 25K a year, how can he NOT afford more?.. Little did I know (because my sister told me) that he likes to save money, well that find and dandy when you can afford to save money but when you can't and meanwhile I am paying all the bills and not 1 cent in my savings all gone on making sure both of them were ok. That's bull crap.

It's been over a month since I left. Now I am being told that I am a mean person, that I put my nephew in the middle of the beak up.. Wait a minute, my ex is the one talking crap to my sister, my ex is the one who is putting him in the middle but they need each other, they use each other, one needs a car to drive and a nice loft with a pool table and jacuzzi so his friends can come and play and the other one needs the money.

Here's my question, what's wrong with renting a room, taking the bus till he can buy a used car? I asked my sister that question and her answer was "MY SON WILL NEVER WALK TO WORK OR TAKE A BUS AND CHEAP CARS ARE NOT RELIABLE" Ok so then I knew who he got his "let me have a comfortable life and let everyone pay for my stuff and give me give me give me> I have news for that young man, you learn how to survive when you are young, when you get older if something goes wrong he will depend on women to maintain him and that what I call UN MANTENIDO, but then again, he is like his grand father, yes my dad, his wives have always maintained him . I thank God I have none of those genes. I thank God I can think of 100 ways to live, commute and survived with pennies in my pocket. I thank God adn my own self for NEVER EVER asking anyone to buy me anything... His goal is to someday become a CEO? oh honey first you need to understand that self survival teaches you management skills.

It's ok, My family's path (except mine) has always been a loser path and the chain continues, but not mine honey, oh no.. After the call I had from my sister today I AM DONE WITH THEM. Let them know that I will no longer lend a hand, they want something WORK FOR IT HONEY.

I was adopted at birth and to this day I think parents and sisters are just a pain in the ass.

Any dates myst fill this out

The Basics...
1.What is your FULL NAME?
2.What is your date of birth..?
3.How many siblings do you have?
4.Do your siblings have a habit of hitting on your girlfriends?
5.Do either of your parents have a habit of hitting on your girlfriends?
6.What is your occupation?
7.How long have you had this current occupation..?
8.How many occupations have you had within the last two years?
9.Where do you reside/hunker down/hide out/stay?
10.How long have you resided/hunkered down/hid out/stayed at this location?
11. Do you live alone, with roomies, with parents, etc.?
12.Do you own or rent?
13.Do you have any pets?
14.If yes to question 13, what kind of pets and how many?
15.Do you clean up after such named pets on a daily basis?



Health...
16.Have you ever had to "sneek off" to make a visit to the "free clinic" for fear that you've possibly acquired something that AJAX won't wash off?
17.Have you actually been told by the doctor at such said "free clinic" that you actually DO have something that AJAX won't wash off?
18.Do you have a therapist?
19.If yes, do you have your therapist's HOME phone number?
20.Are you currently taking any anti-depressants or anti-psychotics?
21. If yes, please list all medications and dosages.
22.Have you ever been told by a professional or NON professional that you are, in fact, completely insane?
23. If yes, please list full names and contact number to such individuals who have made that statement to you.
24.Do you bathe on a daily basis?
25.Do you groom yourself and brush your teeth on a daily basis?
26.Do you wear clean clothes every day?
27.How high is your sex drive?
28.How experimental are you sexually?
29.Have you ever had to make a visit to the ER because of an accident that happened druing sex?
30.Have any of your sexual partners had to make a visit to the ER because of an accident that happened while having sex with you?



Past Relationships.....
31.How many relationships have you had within the past two years..?
32.Are there any of your exes that you are now "bestfriends" with?
33.How jealous are you in a relationship?
34.How controlling are you in a relationship?
35.How open minded are you in a relationship?
36.How many times a week did you and your most recent ex argue?
37.Who broke up with who?
38.Why was there a break up?
39.How long were you with your most recent ex?
40. Please list the full names and contact information for your last 5 exes.



Community Living...
41.Do you or have you ever had a criminal record?
42.Are you currently on probation of any kind?
43.Do you know any policemen or judges on a first name basis because of legal issues?
44.Have you been told that ORANGE actually looks good on you?
45.Have you ever been accused of being domestically violent or abusive?
46.Have you ever seen the back seat of the same police car more than once?
47.Do you find that you're more comfortable being in a building that has bars on the windows instead of being outside in a park?
48.Have you ever, or are you currently, attending any AA or NA meetings?
49.Do you do illegal drugs?
50.Have you ever fantasized about ways to kill your ex?



In Conclusion.....
51. Please list FIVE reasons why you feel that you should be considered for this position.
52. Please list FIVE reasons why you WANT this position.
53. Please list all hobbies, habits, clicks, ticks, and twitches that you might have.
54. Please list the top FIVE bestfriends in your life with contact information.
55. If considered for this position, there will be an interview conducted where.. you will have to take me out on a date.Where would you take me and what would we do?

What's wrong with women better yet, what's wrong with lobe

What's wrong with women? Maybe I should say, what's wrong with love.

I've been in several relationships and dates but lets just talk about the last 4.

After a long term relationship, damaged by her alcohol abuse, I went single for a while. After 3 years I met this British woman, lets call her Lady Di. She came to my home town on a 2 week vacation and stayed with a friend of mine who happened to be the manager of the apartments I was leaving at. A week before the Brits arrival my friend said to me "She is gay and I don't know where to take her, can you show her the gay life in Dallas?" I said "Sure, that would be fun"

Lady Di landed in Dallas and my friend introduced her to me. She was attractive, 10 years older than me, quiet, nice blue eyes, she was here for just few weeks and I was her gay tour guide. A few days after we met, she asked me if I wanted to go swim at 6 a.m. that next morning and I said "sure" thinking to myself "what did I just say? Sure? Why? It's way too early in the morning" but I was going to be woken up at 6 a.m.

Knock knock (6 a.m.) I got out of bed, opened the door and said "let me put my bathing suit on, come in and sit down" She put her arms around me and, needless to saw, we didn't swim, next thing I knew I was in my bed with her. Good surprise since I hadn't had any sex in months and it was needed as my own stress release. I remember thinking that for the next 2 weeks I would get sex and then she would go back to England and it would be perfect. YEAH RIGHT!. While she was in Dallas we went out, she came to my apartment every morning and came back after I got back from work and that continued for 2 weeks.

When she left, she cried, she told me she would miss me, that the woman that becomes my girlfriend would be very lucky, blah blah blah blah. She started calling me long distance every day and I said to myself "Self, I know it's long distance but I'm starting to like her more and more" of course I thought that, woman tell me things that I think they mean but in the end they are just telling me what they think I want to hear or what I call "Chat Trap" and boy I fell for it.

I flew to London for Thanksgiving that year and then I went back to spend Christmas and New Years with her. To be honest that was the best thing about that relationship. I spent New Years 2000 in London and met incredible people and one became my best friend and he is my best friend to this day. things do happen for some screwed up reason.

In May she moved in with me, yes she left her house, kids, a 10 year teaching job EVERYTHING because I was "THE ONE" for her.

What I met Lady Di, she was fun, funny, liked adventure, she had an attraction for me, my mind, my humor, my body, and was gentle and kind.

Once she moved in to my place she became the kind of person I detest. Angry, moody, her way or the highway, a wimp, too afraid to take the driving test because she felt she would fail, mind you, she's been driving for 40 something years for Gods sake! Everything was an issue, everything I did was wrong, bitch bitch bitch. Put me down in front of people, my friends started to hate her and after a year or so I decided I didn't have to put up with a piece of crap person. So she was out of my life, my room, my bed my things everything and the swimming pool.

I was happily single again. Then I met Princess Charming who is now my best friend. Nothing bad about the relationship, we were just meant to be friends, however, we were together as a couple for few years, what changed? When we first met she said she liked to go out, do things, hang out with friends, loved water sports, swim, lakes etc. She turned out to be a home body, pot smoker every minute of the day and was allergic to swimming, lake water,k ocean water and wanted to just go fishing, ok in reality she was not allergic but that's what she said. It ended,we remain friends. I was single again.

Then I met a gorgeous strong woman, we'll call her G. Ex Navy girl, sexy, great in bed, we clicked in many things, she loved the outdoors and we laughed a lot, she fell in love with me (so she said) Sex was great, we didn't go out much because she was either working long hours or helping her sister or taking care of her dogs and the sisters dogs etc. In other words, the kind of person who has no time management skill and puts so much on her plate she can't even see what's in it. She went from being with me every weekend, calling me every day, wanting to see me, telling me she missed me and then few months later to, no calls in days, not time to hang out, lots of over time at work and decided to go to night school and I can deal with that, what I can't and will never be able to deal with is lack of communication, which to this day I don't think she knows the meaning of communication. Buy the way, many asked me "is she cheating on you?" and the answer is 100% NO.

Again, sex was awesome!. The break up was horrible, I went to her birthday party in mid November and never heard back from her. I guess I was the one thing on her plate she decided she didn't want, but meanwhile she led me to believe that she was in love with me and wanted to buy a house with me and live together. Yeah right! again Crap Chat.

That Thanksgiving, Christmas an New years was horrible for me, I really fell for that G woman, my heart was torn, crushed, burnt, ripped open.

Months passed and no word from G and on my birthday I got a text on my phone "Happy Birthday" When I saw it was from her my heart pounded so hard I had to sit down for a minute. Few weeks later she called me and we talked. She said she missed me, blah blah blah.. we met again and she said that she made a big mistake on losing me and so we got back together, that was my biggest mistake. Her desire and love for me only lasted few months and then she went back to being her own self centered, selfish non communicative cold bitch. We broke up and nope I don't care what happens, I will not put myself or my heart and feelings into that again. The only thing I miss is how great we matched sexually. I was single again.

A year went by, I dated several women, didn't want or need a relationship till I met the last one, we will call her "Warped". Warped told me that she loved outdoors, water sports, not an alcoholic not a drug addict, not mean, loves animals, playing pool, dancing, singing etc etc etc. And I fell for it. Let me tell you how this one changed. I moved in with her 4 months after we decided to become lovers. I still had my old apartment and my best friend took over the lease so I didn't have to break a lease. I still carried my spare key on my key chain. THE DAY I took that key from my key chain it all changed "hey you don't have your apartment key on the key chain" she asked and I said "nope, I hate keys" I didn't say it was on my little jewelry box, I didn't think to say that and I wasn't hiding it either. That day she changed. She started mixing pain meds with alcohol and let me tell you, she is one mean drunk. She has no social skills, some friends have told me "what's wrong with your girlfriend" I mean she changed. One day she got wasted, I was tired, I work 8 to 10 hours a day. She works 1 week a month. I was tired and she got wasted, I told her I wanted to go back into the house and chill out, she didn't want that so she got mad, got drunk, got the iron poker from the fireplace and went after me, then decided to break every window in my car yes Ms Warped is a psycho.

I am done with this "relationship" thing. I am my self, I don't change, What you see is what you get. I am a hard worker, loving, calm, non confrontational person. I love to play and love to chill out. I love making love with someone who is not three sheets to the wind. So I decided I am better off alone than with bad company. I will date, I will find a sex partner with no strings attached (only the sexy handcuffs) but fall in love again? SHOOT ME please.

Love is like chocolate, everyone likes it but it is not good for you. It can kill you.

The funniest Story I've ever read

Funniest story I've read..

My Imaginary Friend

by David Raffin

When I was a child I had an imaginary friend. The thing that perturbed me more than anything was that everyone could see him but me. They called him by name. I had to take it on collective authority that he even existed.

His name was Nick, or so they all said. He was a railroad-hopping hobo. He regaled my relations and schoolyard chums with endless stories about hobo-ism, american culture, and recipes for beans (a dish which, according to him, could be prepared in 47 different basic variations, the derivatives of which were endless).

My mother cooked for his tastes- even though father and I both tried to get her to serve more upper-class meals. "If it's good enough for Nick it's good enough for us all," said mother. "He is, after all, the everyman."

And so it went. Nick Interfered with my mother and father's marital relations, my school companions, and eventually my love life.

He was a very opinionated invisible friend, or so I have been lead to believe. He had a way of making me feel very small and insignificant, albeit indirectly. When I was a small child, the other kids from around the neighborhood would all come to my door every saturday morning and ask if Nick could come out and play. When we played Baseball, I was one of the last picked for a team. Invariably, Nick was one of the first. I tried to be a good sport about all this and kept my feelings about the matter pretty much to myself.

When I was twelve years old my parents divorced. "It's not your fault," my father was sure to let me know. "It's that damned friend of yours."

"Who?" I asked, tears welling up in my eyes.

"Nick, as if you didn't know," my father growled. "He is an albatross around the neck of this family and I curse the day you brought him into this domicile."

My protests were for naught. For the umpteenth time I swore I knew no one named Nick, and that everyone was creeping me out with the constant references to this person of dubious origin and existence.

The story, as it goes, is that my father came home early one day, as was his occasional practice, and found Nick in bed with my mother. My mother, for her part, tried several explanations but all fell on deaf ears. My father had seen what he had seen, and that was all there was to it.

After father moved out our relationship deteriorated until we were cold and distant. By the time I was thirteen I referred to him simply as "Mr. Phillips." My mother became distant as well, throwing herself into various hobbies; like dancing by herself in the kitchen to music that only she could hear. I tried my best to ignore the growing peculiarities that set me apart from others my age. I guess you could rightly say that this was my first period of great denial.

I have always felt that I was somehow being held to blame. By the time I entered puberty I was lonely, anxious, and beginning to suspect my eyesight, if not my sanity. After all, if everyone else saw Nick, must he not necessarily exist?

He was like the plague; he never went away and yet could never be seen. He came and went as he pleased and had catastrophic effects on the social system.

Throughout school I was a strait "C" student. It wasn't due to a lack of intelligence, as you can see my IQ is quite high, it's just that whenever I did well it was always brought under strict scrutiny. I would score extremely high on the standardized tests of the day but afterward face questioning about my honesty and integrity. "We have reason to believe that you may not have earned this score," they would say. "Why do you always pick on me?" I would ask. "Because the other students don't bring raggedy hobos to school with them in order to feed them the answers," was always the stern reply.

I was lost.

Shouting, crying, protests- nothing helped the situation. I was ultimately sent to the school psychologist. I always dreaded these frequent visits as they always came in the middle of different classes, ensuring that the entire student body was made aware not only of my problems with Nick, but the fact that the system was bringing into question my very sanity.

As for my schoolmates, it seemed that Nick was very popular. He was invited to every party. Whenever I was with one of my schoolmates I was resigned to my fate as the odd man out. I ask you, how can a kid compete with stories of hopping freight trains?

If I was interested in a girl, it was not long before I found that she had an eye for Nick. Given that he was usually described to me as 5' 3", unshaven, dirty, in early middle age, and possessing of a very gravelly voice, I never understood this attraction that he held to the opposite sex. All my female teachers and classmates were in love with him. Most of my male teachers and classmates idolized him.

I looked forward to college like no one else I knew. It was a time of great hope for me. It was a chance for a new beginning. I thought that by choosing a far away college I could shake my parents, my beginnings, and most of all- Nick. I chose Idaho State, thinking that a hobo with a love for beans would have little interest in the potato state. I was foolish to think that I could get away. Nick was the hit of the campus. Everyone loved him. He became editor of the student paper; a rag that was now, as far as I could tell, filled with many blank columns and vast empty white patches. People all over campus were going on and on about the witty things that Nick was writing about and the depth of his poetry that was apparently showcased daily for all but me to read. I was again relegated to the shadows.

I spent a lot of time in my dorm room, sulking. I studied alone. I ate alone. I walked to class alone. I shunned most everyone, thinking it better to just earn my degree and not bother trying to make a social life for myself. For the first time in my life I got above average, even excellent, grades. I kept all human contact and conversation down to a minimum. I even took to counting the number of words I used in a day and totaling them up in the evening. Every time I had spoken less than a dozen words in a day- most often mumbled under my breath, I rewarded myself with an extra hour of sleep. Nick may have been with me, but as long as we were the only two there I never knew the difference.

In my junior year, I made my tragic mistake. I had not heard a comment about Nick in nearly two years. I had almost forgotten my pain. To top it off, people really were looking at me with interest. I was the strangest student on campus. The others saw me as moody and interesting. I was a mystery to them, as I was to myself. One day I was invited to a party and I decided to go.

When I got there people were all really friendly. I had a little to drink and that loosened me up and I started socializing. I was shocked to find myself having a good time. I felt free for the first time in my life.

After a while, I met this girl named Ellen. She was very attractive and had a sexy voice. She laughed at all my jokes, the ones that I had been saving up with no one to tell them to these many years. Her laugh lit up the night and made my heart sing. After the party we went back to my place. I opened the door and we practically rolled into the room: kissing fondling, removing clothes.

A few minutes into it, I noticed that there were no longer two participants in the nights main event. Ellen was just laying there, transfixed.

She was looking off to my left. "Who's you enigmatic friend? He's dreamy," she whispered, a wicked little pixie smile on her face. I was no longer the objet de désir. I crept to the closet and spent the night there unnoticed. I plugged my ears with my fingers but that couldn't shut out all the noise. I cried myself to sleep.

The next day I failed an Anthropology test. I couldn't get my mind off the indignity of the night before. To top it off, the night in the closet had strained my neck to the degree that I was suffering from a violent migraine and could hardly focus.

After deliberating over the matter for a few days I decided that the matter was simple- Nick must die. I was resolute. The only problem was how. That would take years to resolve.

A year is gone and I miss my friend

One year has passed since Suz left this earth. Boy do I miss her... In a way I've tried to put her in the back of my mind. Pretend that the pain of a huge loss is not there... She told me to be strong, she said that if guardian angels do exist and she went to heaven (which if there is such a thing, I know she is there) she would always be near me... Is there such a thing? Is she floating around like angels do? Is it possible for her to be near me sometimes? Is she taking care of Terry her partner of many years? Sometimes when the moon is full (that was our favorite thing to watch, a full moon) I look up and I think of Suz, I wonder if her spirit is around, and in a way, I feel her presence. It might be just me, imagining things, believing in what others say or it might be for real. The truth is that real or not real she will always be a part of me, my heart and my path in life...

How could it just not be? I mean, we were best friends for so many years... We played together, we cried, laughed, joked, kicked ass, sang, made our own songs, we had our own language, we got in trouble together, and we lived our lives as if we were kids trying to get in trouble.. Sometimes we planned to get in trouble and we achieved our goal and sometimes we just planned it but decided that at that moment maybe people wouldn't take it as a joke and we dropped the mischievous plan. We never hurt anyone.

I miss my friend... I haven't really talked about it, haven't really said how I feel... I sometimes look up at the sky and a sigh comes out "I miss you pal" I whisper, and yet, I feel like she can hear me... She told me she would.. She believed in that, even though she was not a believer of a specific religion, just like me. As we said to each other many times; we believe in what we can do for ourselves, the rest of the story about if is there is a God or not, we will leave that for when we find out, meanwhile lets not mess it up, and just in case, lets believe that there is something more powerful that us...I guess by know, she found out the truth.. It will be my tirn someday, no doubt...

To this day I sometimes wake up at 2:00 a.m. and look at my phone "should I call her and see if she wants to take a drive to Lake Murray?" Then I realize that not only is she not with me in this earth, but I also deleted her phone number because I have actually dialed it before and when the "TOOROOROO The number you have dialed has been disconnected" I listen to that recording all the way, don't know why...One day someone answered with a very sleepy voice, it was a masculine voice.. I hung up and cried myself to sleep that night... I guess that call was the one that made the "quarter go down" that’s when I really realized that it didn't matter what happened, it was not a dream, she was not out of town or on vacation. Suz was gone... It was really hard and I was sick all weekend long... Felt alone.. That's how much she meant to me.. That's how close she was to me...

I have several friends. Some are best friends some are just friends I can hang out and play.. Suz and I were special friends, like dirt inside a nail, shoe and lace, belt and buckle, Jen and Suz...

Up on our hill at our lake there is a tree and a rock, both of them have our names and hammer and carved "Suz and Jenny best friends forever" Thank goodness it doesn't say, "till one of us dies" that's not the end of our friendship... Our friendship will never die, and it doesn't matter if one of us leaves life before the other one...It's there... rain or shine... hiding from visitors... I'll never say where that place is... I will go visit soon... It's a must... Too bad that Terry is in NC because we are the only two people alive that know how and where "our secret place" is... Not easy to get to, you better not be afraid of spiders or spider webs and you better have a good climbing ability...Secret it is....

Suz taught me many things and the last conversation we had the night before she passed away she said to me "when you look up at the sky, know that it is the ear of the universe, and whatever thoughts you have the universe can hear you and so will I" I said "Oh that's deep sistah, can I write that down?" she said "I'll write it for you" and she did...Suz words written on a piece of paper that is in my little memory box at home... I believe what she says, you know why? Because she never lied to me while she was alive... Oh wait! She did once when she told me that her shirt would look better on me, so we exchanged shirts and the truth was that she really liked my brand new polo shirt and wanted to wear it.. Then again, she told me the truth few hours later.

Suz.. I love ya sistah, you will always live in my heart and my memories... I have never stopped looking at the sky and saying "I miss you my friend, you know who you are, are you here with me? You can hear me".... I would give anything to swim with you one more time.. Just once...

Happy 4th of July sunshine, I know you saw the fireworks from heaven...

If there is music there.

Lyrics
Donna Summer
If there is music there.
If there is music thereIll have to go
Never been anything in my life that
I wanted moreThis is my greatest fear
That Im loosing you my dearIts more than I want to give
But if there is music thereIf there is music thereIll have to know
Never met anyone who could take music out of my soul
Theres something deep inside
That I no longer want to hideMy love you would never share
If there is music there
Its not my faultIve done no wrong
Its something that youve always known
I tried to tell you all alongIt seems that heaven has a plan
An extraordinary planA reason for my soul
For my soulIf there music there
Ill have to goNever found anyone who could take music out of my soul
This is my greatest fear
That Im loosing you my dear
Its more than I want to giveIts more than my heart can bear
I could be losing you
If there music there
Spoken:
Im so sorry, honey
Ive always loved youI do love you
But I just have to go

Last year in my 40's

Last year in my 40's. wow! Time flies ha?... In my 20's and 30's I couldn't wait to be 40 and in my 40's I can't wait to be 50.. I don't know about 60 we shall see. I have friends that are in their 60's and they look ok, I hope I manage to be as cheerful, happy and lucky even then.

In few weeks I will be 49, big party planned as I do every year, I just hope that my 50's are better that my 40's and it's up to me to make them better, but I am not there yet..

So Jen Jen, happy last year in my 40's and, like wine and cheese, it only gets better with time.

Sailing by Rod Steward

Sailing - Rod Steward

I am sailing, I am sailing,

Home again cross the sea.

I am sailing, stormy waters,

To be near you, to be free.I am flying,

I am flying,

Like a bird cross the sky.

I am flying, passing high clouds,

To be with you, to be free.

Can you hear me, can you hear me

Through the dark night, far away,

I am dying, forever trying,

To be with you, who can say.

Can you hear me,

can you hear me,

Through the dark night far away.

I am dying, forever trying,

To be with you, who can say.

We are sailing,

we are sailing,

Home again cross the sea.

We are sailing stormy waters,

To be near you, to be free.

Oh lord, to be near you, to be free.

Oh lord, to be near you, to be free.

Sailing is not a dream is a goal and it must be met at any cost

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed
By the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did.
So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Mark Twain

I find that love does excist

Changed that

Won't settle for less

"21 Things I Want In A Lover"
Alanis Morrisette

Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds? Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition? Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know That it alone does not equate wisdom? Do you see everything as an illusion? But enjoy it even though you are not of it? Are you both masculine and feminine? politically aware? And don't believe in capital punishment?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that Loving someone can actually feel like freedom? are you funny? la self-deprecating? like adventure? and have many formed opinions?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover.

I'm in no hurry I could wait forever I'm in no rush cuz I like being solo There are no worries and certainly no pressure in the meantime I'll live like there's no tomorrow.

Are you uninhibited in bed? more than three times a week? Up for being experimental? are you athletic? Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother? are you not addicted?...
....curious and communicative...

It's never cold in Finland

When I was a Bar Tender I met two men from Finland. It was a cold windy night in Dallas Texas. No snow because after all, we only get that white powder falling from the sky twice a year… Did I just say white powder ? What am I smoking? It’s more like chips of dirty ice hitting hard, turning into slush and transforming highways and streets into sheets of ice, great for ice-skating but who wants to go there during traffic hour? Texans that drive trucks think they can ride through the ice like if it was kattle running through Fort Worth’s dirt roads on a nice crisp day. They don’t care.
Let’s get back to the Finish gentlemen at my bar shall we? The two men from Finland sat in front of the main door and every time it opened, a gush of cold air would come in and head straight to the Finish men (I like Finish people because I get the opportunity to ask “Are you finish?”) I finally asked them if they wanted to move to avoid the cold air and I followed that with “I am sure it’s not that cold to you because you come from Finland”. Sven (sounds like a good name for a Finish man) turned to me and said “its Neverhhh cold in Finland” (I love accents). Since one of my favorite subjects is Geography I responded “Yes it is. Finland in in the northernmost point, the sun does not set for 73 consecutive days during summer, and does not rise at all for 51 days during winter (I knew some day I would use that line I learned from reading the encyclopedia Britanica). No sun, no warmth darling” “No Jen, It never gets cold in Finland... It’s what you wear that makes you cold”. Since then I always use that phrase…

Just 3 days ago, a friend of mine who moved from New London CT. to Dallas TX 2 years ago said “Just think, it’s always 20 degrees colder Connecticut” even though nor the Finish or the Connecticut theory make me feel better about the weather or their cheer-me-uppers makes me warmer or changes the fact that in acutuality it is cold and windy. It is the Fall season you know? There is one thing that does get me warm and cozy and that is a hot cup of coffee with Amaretto or a warm Glogg (it’s Swidish drink made with wine, vodka, clove, raisins and almonds mmmm nice and warm... Drink 3 cups of those and BAM! The cold is g-o-n-e, if it doesn’t get you warm at least you’ll be too drunk to feel anything. Believe me folks, I know what I am talking about, my Mother assigned me to make it every Thanksgiving and.. well… I had to taste it every time. Sometimes one too many cups. Too bad I don't have wine or vodka but I do have coffee and Tylenol PM would that work for now? It would but not today... I'll get used to the once-a-year Fall season ... I've been through it 48 years in a row.. It's nice isn't it? Nice crisp air, get to wear my sweaters and my leather jacket, ENJOY the cold people!!! Come on! The planet might just melt one day and we'll miss that slush ice going down the highways.. Will we? I think I will..

The life in life and how expensive is it getting?

What's happening with my money? It used to be so simple, go to work, get paid, pay bills and have left-over money to play and save.. I make more money now and it seems that bills are paid but no money to party. Is it because I have to pay to have Internet? I NEED IT, can't live without it, or can I? NOPE. Need to have cable, why because antenas will not work in few months and since there is no money to go out seems like TV is a way of entertainment, or is it? YES IT IS...



I've lived without a roommate for 24 years, really for 48 years, do we call room mate your life partner? No, her (whom ever, they were part of my life, I loved my ex's and yes we lived together but it is different than taking in a room mate who rents your second room (which used to be my office) there is no love, not like you wake up in the morning and you see the person you love next to you. No, you wake up, have to cover yourself up because you have a room mate, you can't just walk into the bathroom while your room mate is taking a shower so you can pee. It's not your life partner that you can jump in the shower with. Oh no... Why am I taking a room mate? TO PAY BILLS because this stupid ecconomy SUCKS and you have to pay bills... I don't have a life partner living with me to share my bills, my love, my bed, my heart, no, this is someone who comes in, says hi and does it's thing... OY VEI!!! I don't know how long I will be able to put up with a Room mate damn it... Can someone say "get out you devil, I want to run aroud mu own home naked and if I want to scratch my boobs I can!

OH Oh Oklahoma

Why do people talk bad about Oklahoma? I have no idea. It is really a nice state. Their roads are much better than Arkansas roads, that's for sure. I know this because a friend and I drove the Talimina Trail that goes from Talihina Oklahoma to Mina Arkansas... Did you know that a hill is a hill as long as is not more than 999 feet high? I learned this fact in Oklahoma.

People are so great in Oklahoma and they say it like it is. There is a restaurant in Kiamichi Oklahoma called Kiamichi Kitchen, they are so friendly and they don't take crap. They have a list on the front door of the customers who have paid with checks and bounced, yes a list with their full names, I though that was the best "PAY ME SUCCKER" move that a business can make. Rude? I dont think so, honest yes...That trip in the spring with my friend Lisa was awesome. Nothing like driving 50 something miles on a trail that goes through the top of the hills on a convertible.. Great tan, great views and great company, I recommend it, unless you have a fear of heights...

Then there is Lake Murray in Ardmore. It is one of the most beautiful and peaceful places I've been too. I can't tell you how many times I've been there in the past 22 years but every time I go I come back relaxed and at peace... I've stayed at the lodge, camped at Marietta campsite as well as primitive camping, never been afraid and always have a wonderful experience... Nothing like renting a pontoon and exploring that lake...Taking my Kayak and finding littel coves, beautiful places to go and hide fro an hour or so. The people are so great there, the bartender at the lodge is awesome and the nature, well what can I say about nature? it's beautiful...

Few years ago a bunch of friends of mine and I wanted to rent a cabin in the mountains and we did, it was in BEAVER'S BEND Oklahoma and we stayed at PECKERWOOD KNOB CABINS... When we were looking for places to stay, we had to go there, imagine a bunch of gay guys and lesbians staying at a place who's name had the word Pecker and Beaver... It was a must. The views were great, up in the mountains, great fun, we walked to the balcony and you could see the mountain ridge below...Beautiful...

Last weekend 14 of my friends and I rented a cabin in Broken Bow near Beavers Bend. It was not Peckerwood Knob, it was a beautiful log cabin in the woods, mind you, it took me 1 1/2 hours to find the place once I was there. If I ever have to run away from the law I know where to hide... Saturday we went to Beaver Bend Lake and rented a pontoon, we had a blast! The pontoon-day had a theme (we always have themes) it was "Hats, Sun Glasses and Boas", and let me tell you, there is nothing better than going with a bunch of gay men, few heteros and 2 lesbians (my date and I) everyone had a fantastic wild hats, feather colored boas and off teh hook glasses... Did we know that Boas lose their feathers? We left our mark in the lake, so next time I go to that lake I will probably find purple, red, yellow, black, white, orange, pink and mauve feathers either floating around or in land...

We spent 4 hours at the lake, great music, great water, great people, and great lake... The woman who ran the marina is from Fort Worth Tx. Who knew? Hey Lady! I would have left Ft. Worth too you know? Food was great... and the most incredible view of the stars at night...

Saturday night when everyone went to bed I stayed looking up at the sky and saw 7 shooting stars, you are supposed to make a wish, I didn't, I was in awe, maybe next time I will write wishes down so I don't forget...

So dear State of OOOOOklahoma, don't mind the people who tease you and call you names, you are one heck of a beautiful place and next time I will go gambling and maybe I'll win enough money to buy a place by the lake. Maybe...

Now back to reality, back to the city, back to good old flat Dallas, where if you see a mountain is because you are dreaming, if you run your car through a pot hole on the read you will know that "it ain't Oklahoma"... I will be back Oklahoma...Land of beauty and Native Americans...

What's this about 3 day weekends?

Three day weekends… nice ha? I spend 2 nights with my girlfriend and then Monday at home... I really think that the person who came up with the idea of making a holiday always land on a Monday, t was not only a genius but also a party animal... What a great excuse to have a party or go to a party ha? LOVE IT! It's nice to see friends I only get to see 3 or 4 times a year... Great food, great Mojitos. By the way, Thank you Baccardi for your new marketing endeavor, we had two young bartenders and they brought 3 different flavors of Baccardi, fresh mint leaves, sweet syrup, they didn't have real sugar, I think that is the key to a good Mojito, cane sugar mmmm... They taught us how to make a Mojito and the truth is that I really don't like minty drinks, although I love a little pinch of mint in my food. Go figure! It was fun making Mojitos...Do you know what Mojito means in Spanish? Mojo means WET, anything that ends in "ito" means little, so that would be "Little Wet!" now ain't that sexy?... The two bartenders were great! This morning I was not feeling quite so fresh! I had a bit of the bottle flu.. Oh well, like we say in Mexico "Una al anio no hace danio" (Once a year doesn't hurt you) Problem; November is almost here... December is just around the corner... New Years... So the theory of “once a year doesn't harm me” just went out the door.... Good thing is that my birthday is in March of next year.

Labor day party had a theme. We had to wear a hat...I have hats...Lots of hats...I could have worn my Disco hat, my costume feather hat, any of my baseball including the one that says "I Hate Moths" but the party was outside and some of the people invited are very much into the environment so why let them know exactly how I feel about moths? I'll keep it my secret so P.I.T.A. doesn't come after me...However! I will run and yell like a girl if a moth gets near me. so watch it! I knew my girlfriend was going to wear something very nice... She likes to dress up so I decided that instead of being the crazy Jen Jen and wear a crazy hat, and some t-shirt and shorts I was going to dress up... I chose my black French Chauffer hat, it's very sexy although I can't decide if it's more like a Orthodox Jew hat or Fiddler on the Roof kind of hat. But it looks good on me, which I do know...

There are few times that I show cleavage… I have it, yes I do and some shirts I wear kind of show it but not really so this time I decided that I would wear my black vest, light blue jean shorts, my high tops, a cool necklace and see what reaction I would get.. Again, I don't show my cleavage often and no I am not shy about my breast... Needless to say the reaction was great! Friends said I looked great and my girlfriend couldn’t take her eyes away from my cleavage to the point that I had to remind her where my eyes were... IT WORKED… Mission Accomplished! . So what did I learn today? Show’em girl! … Not only did I feel good, I also went with my girl who is absolutely gorgeous! Hot! Beautiful!.. What can I say? It felt really nice…

Here’s to the next 3 day holiday…Halloween! Hmmm I might just show them right and go as Elvira? Dream on! That’ll never happen…Happy labor day y’all!

3 possible don'ts on Olympic attire that I have noticed now and through the years.

1- Speedos, unless you are Mark Spits 30 years ago or Michael Phelps, DON’T GO THERE!!!

2- The bikini that the current women’s sand volleyball team wears. where does the sand go? Oy! Vey! Lets sing; “Sandy, Sandy I’m in misery!!”!…

3- USA Gymnastic team uniform. Who the hell came up with that crap? Did they get it from the Dollar Store? Gail, I agree with you 100%.. That’s a DON’T

4- The Hair. Oh! Have you checked some of the hair-do’s? Oh My! My! My! Honey??? That Do is a DON’T!. I would hate to be the cleaning crew at the hotel with all that glitter in their hair.

FYI, from personal experience I can tell you that once you lay in bed with glitter on your hair, that glitter will stick to that bed FOREVER! Trust me people! I still find red glitter now and then from my 40th birthday party 8 years ago. The worst thing is that I have a new bed so how the hell is that red glitter still appearing in my bed?! I wash the sheets and pillows.. PLEASE SOMEBODY TELL ME!!!… SAY NO TO GLITTER!!!... Maybe I should get a new vacuum…

That’s all I’ve noticed through my experience watching the Olympics. Meanwhile, I am home... Olympics on the tube, and my attire? Boxers, old T-shirt and a nice glass of Merlot…No glitter and no sand up my butt. GO U.S.A.!

When a friend says goodbye

I sit here....she has been taken away... a sheet over her body...off to the morg. I sat there, looking out the window and half way though the "Yellow Brick road" as she called it, I had to run inside, lock myself in this room and go bananas. I looked over and and see her laptop.. Thank goodness, I can let this out.. Type Jen Jen, Type! I can hear her say it... Bye Bye my beautiful friend. J
Everyone started coming over in no time. I am in her office, door locked. I don't want to see anyone, I want to see her again.. Please God, one more look, one more hug, one more time that we hold hands like sisters that we've been for so long. Please can I ask for one more day? Please! just one more second?.

I thought I was prepared for this, but how can I be? Was I stupid to think that it wouldn't hurt this bad because I wanted her to feel no more pain? My pain is that I will never be able to see her or hear her voice ever again, NEVER....Yes Sus I said the word Never, you hated that word but in this case, my beautiful friend, Never is the word...

This will be my last chance to use your laptop, no more coming to your house and playing poker on line with her. Me on this laptop and her on the PC.. Her trying to cheat, that's why I always had the laptop, I could move away so she didn't see what my poker hand was.. She did it in purpose though, she always found a way to get me going and she always said "I just love the face you put when someone cheats at games, your baby blues pupil gets huge and a vain over your forhead pops!" Well Sus, guess what, my baby blues (as you called them) right now are swallen, red and very very sad.. not like a clear ocean but more like murky water.

As I put my fingers in every key I can feel you hand.. Why? Why did you go? why can't I spend one more day? Did I miss saying anything to you before you left? Did you? I did tell you I love you every chance I got. After every sentence in the past weeks I made sure you knew how much I love you and how much I will miss you and what our friendship ment to me?...

Now, you are going from a full beautiful 5"8' body and when you come back you will be ashes in a 12 inch blue Crystal Urn that you bought in Turkey 12 years ago. Funny that when you came back from that trip you showed it to me and said "I loved this Urn, so don't break it Jen cos when I die I want my ashes here, ok? DON'T TOUCH IT!" little did we know. And when you come back I will touch that Urn Sus, I will hug that Urn Sus, Can I? I promise I won't break it..

I just looked at the corner of the room and there is the rock and lock we rigged a month ago, ready to attach to that Urn, ready to be submerged in the Lake that you love, ready to throw some of your ashes into the wind, the moutain, and then, as your requested, leave some in the Urn cos you want to be part of the deepest part of that Lake.. In my car I have the little bottle you bough on line 3 montsh ago and just gave me 2 weeks ago.. You know me so damn well that you knew that I would want some of your ashes. And as I promised you, I will put some in there. I don't want to keep them with me in my home and you know why but I did promise you that after we have your "CIAO BAMBINA PARTY" as you call it, I will hike to out spot, dig a hole where we always sat and talked for hours until 4am sometimes and pour those ashes there... Our place, with that tree and out names on it and the little lines we carved everytime we went there, as you said "Robinson Crusoe did it why can't we"... Who knows I might carve a small heart next to out names, not to worry Sus you always said that it would be so corny, but I need you to know that part of my heart will stay with you.. I told you that I would have my own way to say goodbye and that is it... I need to do that.. I need to climb to our spot and yell as lound as I can, let it go.. I know you know what I mean.... And so everytime I want to see you and talk with you I will drive there, sit on our rock and talk.. I know there will be times that I will talk to you from home or anywhere but that spot always meant so much to us.. We pour our heart out there, we laughed so hard, we always said that if it wasn't a State Park we would build a small tree house there.. We were like two kids hiding from the family and ran into our hiding place... Ok I am sure Terry will go with me, after all she was part of our crazy talks, genious moments and crazy ideas on how to make this word a better place... I will do it Sus. For old times sake.

Her bed is now removed from that room that once was white. The machines, life support, tubes, wheel chair, all gone.. All gone... She's gone.. SHE IS GONE! SHE IS GONE?????.. No, it can't be.. Please God tell me this is a horrible nightmare. Tell me that I will wake up and she will be there, ready to go camping, swim in her pool, tackle me or try to drown me in it. Please tell me that when I get up from this chair she will do what she always did to me.tell me I will feel that pinch on my breast that hurt so bad, which now is the pain is in my heart. Really really really my heart is in horrible pain. it feels like so lonely... Empty.. I guess a part of my heart died with her. I wonder if that part of my heart that died will follow her to the Universe. I hope it does. Who knows...All I kow for sure is that she is DEAD! DAMN IT! Shit it hurts..

To think that she wanted to turn that room where she died into a cool game room before her birthday. Which is tomorrow. That never happened. Thank goodness I came up with the iddea of celebrating it last weekend, although singing Happy Birthday was so hard fro me, I managed to contain my voice from shaking, but you were looking straight at me Sus, were you wondering if tomorrow I will sing Happy Birthday like I always do? one song for every year you live? I don't think I can do it Sus, I think my last Birthday song for you was last weekend.. Sorry it was only one time and not 25 (since that's the limityou always gave me).. I will try ok.

Last November Sus and I decided to go over our music records a.k.a LP's. We put her's, Terry's and mine together. Decided which ones where cool to frame and put around the edge of the walls, near the ceiling. We would decide, based on the main color of the records what the wall and chair color and decor would be.

We decided that we would make our own game table. Sus didn't want a small table, oh no!, She wanted big, big enough to sit 2o people. Big enough to have our annual Mistery Parties with everyone sitting around one long rectangular table. Play Dominoes with friends, as she said "I want a table where 20 can play as well as 2 so it's got to be big". We had plans... She had plans. Death adn Illness was not anywhere in her plans...Who came up with that stupid idea?.Not her, not Terry not I for sure.. Who the fuck came up with that, PLEASE TELL ME, I want to know why!

Why did we make those plans then and not followed through? Did the stars know what was going to happen? Did her little guardian anger flick it's wand and filled us with a curse of procrastination? Who knows... It didn't turn out to be a party room after all. It became her hospital room. Although she never liked white walls Terry and I painted them a mix of orange and red, Sue said it was like the room at the house she had rented few years ago in the mountains in Mexico. How would I know? I am color blind, but Sus liked it. That's what's important.

Sus always liked my photography, she wanted to see the ocean again so I went to kinkos and enlarged one of my photographs I took 10 years ago when we went to the beach. She also loved women. oh my God did she love women! Specially tall blonds, so we also put a photograph of her favorite blond, yes Ms Heather Locklear.

There are frames with pictures of her close friends all around. Shelves with books she loved to read, mostly children's books. Next to her hospital rental bed there is a nice couch. She wanted Terry to get a new one so whom ever came to visit would be confortable and she didn't want the rest of the house changed "This house is NOT a hospital, the only room o' illness is this one" Terry and I went to "THE DUMP" and bought a confortable couch. Sus always wanted to go to "THE DUMP" just because she liked the way the guy said it in the commercial, since then everytime she had to take the trash out she would say "Honey, I am going to DA DUMP". I just hope I don't hear that commercial anytime soon...

I spent several nights sitting, sleeping and reading her the newest People magazine and books. I don't know why but last moth she asked me to go get Playboy Magazine, she didn't want to look at the centerfold, just read the articles, and I did. It's been many many moons since I bought a Playboy magazine, but for her I would do anything. I did everything she wanted me to do, and in my hard times or good time she always left what she was doing to be with me either for support or just a go do Happy Hour. We were inseparable friends...

23 years of friendship is a life time for me. Now that she is gone, every instant, every memory, every smile, laughter, tears, hard times and good times flashes through my brain.

She was one of the funniest people I've ever met. Few people have made me laugh to the point where I run out of breath, laugh so hard to where tears come out and start balling crying. She was also a gentle soul. She had the heart of gold. Said it like it was, no beating around the bush, like it or not she would tell you what she felt, thought or wanted to say. Sometimes she made me realize in one second that I was messing up and cheered me constantly when good things happened to me or I did something that I was proud of. We were each other's cheer leaders or like she used to call me "her official Perker Upper"

Who am I going to call when I have nightmares in the middle of the night? Will her soul and energy be around me at all times? She believed in that, and she told me 2 nights ago that not only do I have one little angel looking after my sholders, I will have two and I better behave cos she won't cut me any slack. I hope she is right, I need to feel her soul, her precense near me, is she here now or is she around the universe checking things out? She always wanted to explore new things. When we went anywhere she would like to leave the path and see what else was out there, where no one had been, she had a sense of adventure like no other. She tought me that in the woods if you follow the path that's been walked on you will be missing 90% of what's really around. There were times when we got off the safe path in the woods, got scare like hell and ran back to the safe path but at least we knew what was out there, Poison Ivy oh she knew what they looked like. Is she explorin what's out there? is she with Jack now? With Alex? with her friends that have passed? or it is like on a trip to Australia that it takes 24 hours to get there, you just fly the friendly sky's for a while.. Who knows...

Oh Sus, why! Why! why! why! why you? why? Why such a healthy person had to have one illness and took her away in no time? Why God? Why do you take the good ones?... I can't handle one more. First Jack, then Alex then Sus... In a way the trust and soul mate I had in Jack went to Alex then he left, Sus was there for me then, not with my Brother but with Alex. She was my Sould Mate friend. Some said that we acted like a married couple but that was never our intention. We were more than sisters, more than best friends. No one can replace my Sus. That part of my heart will always be alone without her here. One more chunk has died.. How many chuncks do I have left damn it?...

Terry and Victor have left the house, they said they will be back. Guess what Sus, the house is empty.. Completly empty now.. Could you come over once again? can you come and look at me again? I won't get scared of you, even though you told me that if I ever feel someone is pulling my feet when I am in bed, it would be your soul.. Can you do that today? right now? PLEASE GOD DAMN IT.. FUCK FUCK WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!.. Alone.. hwo can I really explain what I am feeling? Here I am typing my freaking feelings away, why? cos I don't have you Sus? I don't .. And I don't want anyone else near me, around me, with me, listening to me, I can't really talk, I can't barely see the keyboard, my eyes have not stoped from crying, my glasses filled with tears that everything is blurry.. Why Sus/// Why can you please tell me why? Can someone fucking tell me what the fuck happened? I am so fucking angry now.. my fingers and hitting each key as hard as I can.. I want to hit a wall but I can't, you told me never to do that again after I pretty much messed up my nuckles 5 years ago. I promised you I wouldn't do it again and I am keeping my promise to you Sus.. YOU HEAR ME DAMN IT>> SUS? CAN YOU FUCKING HEAR ME ... ... ...

I am still alone in this huge house and yes I just screamed from teh top of my lungs.. I did that so I woudlnt freaking stop breathing. I hope I don't have many missspelled words but I don't think I have the time to do spell check, nor do I want to.. What it's in this blog I won't read again.. It will stay there, just in case the universe catches up with technology and you can read it.. I guess you were right Sus, Blogging is good therapy... My head is pounding.. my eyes are swalen, my heart is hurting so fucking bad.. I need to get some water.

Sus, Terry and Victor are back, house not empty anymore. I need to say goodbye to this blog, I need to be strong for Terry. I promised you that I will make sure she is ok and I will keep that promise.

Sus, I love you, I miss you,REst in peace my beautiful friend, let the angels take you by the hand and lead you to peace and no pain. I will see you somday babe, not soon I hope but someday.

I feel better now Sus, again, in a way thanks for listening to me the entire lifetime of frienship and more than anything Sus, I thank you for every second we had together, every phone call and most of all for the time we had a couple of days ago, me and you, we did say good bye. and the tear I kissed that ran on yoru face I can still taste it. It went through my lips and into my heart and that's where it will stay.. Always. I will never forget you Sus, ever. I am taking your favorite t-shirt with me. And by the way, yrou office still smalls like you.. I guess I will go into yoru closet now and take a last smell of yoru clothes so I don't forget your body odor, which by the way, I guess Liz Taylor will notice less ammount of sales of her perfume. I will lether know someday that you were her number one customer.. Smile my friend, I leave you with a smile, just like you left so peaceful and yes I could see your smile...

Good Bye my Soul Mate friend, go make the angels laugh, jsut watch the dirty jokes. lol
Peace out!.
Your Jen Jen

It's been a long time but I am back

I have not been able to write my blogs I'm not inspired I guess. Lots of things have happened since the last time I was on my blog. New year was a blast. I am a single woman.

Now we are in the month of March and because of that I don't really remember what happened in January or February besides voting in the preliminaries, and let me say that we have an awesome election coming our way, this could be the year that Americans open their minds to new ideas, new cultures, a black or a woman in power, wow! Amazing! It's definitely an amazing time in this country and all I can say is; may the best democrat win!.

March, the beautiful month of March. This is the time when the air smells like Spring. When the climate changes a bit. When I see people driving on the roads with their boat attached to the back of their cars going to the closest lake, LOVE IT!. It is also an awesome month because it is my birthday and yes I am proud to say that I am 48 years old.

My party was so much fun. I danced, sang, drank, smoked, got lots of hugs and kisses and went home alone, which I have not done in so many years. I woke up the next day and I was so happy, hung over and tired but happy. Then 4 days later I had to go back to work oy vey! I want to retire, I want to chill out, I want to get in my car and drive to Patagopnia, I need a vacation!

Life is good at 48.

New stuff, new thoughts, new goals, new life, new year, new shirt, new jeans no wife.
No wife? what do you mean? I AM SINGLE.. Once again.

I have decided what this New Year resolution will be; STAY SINGLE.

I saw it coming, I felt it, we started distancing ourselves from each other. Call it what it is, the horrible stupid curse called Menopause. That's sad isn't it?. Sex is not all there is in a relationship, there is also communication, togetherness, going out, travel etc. All that went out the door with menopause. As the song says "lonely days, lonely nights, where would I be without my woman"...Too bad...

The only thing we still have is that we do care about each other, and because of that reason, we have to let go. Jjust like in the movies, just like the "Novelas", if you love her let her go. It was mutual.. We sat down and talked. Our main fear was losing our friendship, which I do have to say she is a great friend, caring, funny and great to go to the lake as well as travel, but what can I say? I've said it before I don't believe in "Forevers". Things change, end, collapse, break, crash, move, die or simply vanish.

My Mom said once that I am a survivor. I believe that and for that reason this too shall pass. So far I have already redecorated my home in my mind, once she moves out, this place will be completly transformed. I am not going shopping for new stuff yet, I have plenty in boxes. We all know that once you move in with someone lots of your bachorette chachquies go into a box to not be seen again for years until it happens again. This time it is NOT going to happen in a while, how do I know that? Because I am not going to put myself out on the market, I need to get back in shape (stress and sadness makes you fat) travel more, meet new people. I have made some goals but that will be on another post.

Life will go on and on, that's what Celine said and I like Celine so I will believe that one. Streisand and Summer said "Enough is Enough I can't go on I can't go on no more NO!" talking about a relationship, so yes, since I am Donna Summer's #1 fan and she is my Goddess I will believe everything she says "exept leaving the cake out in the rain" I wouldnt do that. I shall work hard for the money, work out so I can be one Hot Stuff in the near future, it's not time for me to sing my last dance, I just have to have a Spring Affair with myself.

Few more days and this 007 is all gone bye bye. What happened? Where did time go? I still remember last New Year Eve, or do I? Wait let me think. Yes I do remember it, it was fun and this year I am doing the same thing over again. Sing, dance and be with old friends.

I named 2007 "The Bond Year" because of 007, and I kept my promise that everytime I had to write the date on my check book or wherever I would write it is as 007, now I have to come up with another idea. what can I do with 2008? Call it the year of V8? Haev uyou had your V8. I wil live it I in full I guess.

My only goal for 2008 will be to be happy, thats easy for me and I know it will be done. This shit of trying to quit biting my nails is NOT working; the only way I will stop is by cutting my fingers off. I know it's bad but I have tried!. Hipnosys? Maybe I should try that.

Few days left, I need to get some Champagne, 12 grapes, a hat and I am ready for this to be over.

Back to work, after all 007 will end up just like it started, working hard for the money honey.