A year is gone and I miss my friend

One year has passed since Suz left this earth. Boy do I miss her... In a way I've tried to put her in the back of my mind. Pretend that the pain of a huge loss is not there... She told me to be strong, she said that if guardian angels do exist and she went to heaven (which if there is such a thing, I know she is there) she would always be near me... Is there such a thing? Is she floating around like angels do? Is it possible for her to be near me sometimes? Is she taking care of Terry her partner of many years? Sometimes when the moon is full (that was our favorite thing to watch, a full moon) I look up and I think of Suz, I wonder if her spirit is around, and in a way, I feel her presence. It might be just me, imagining things, believing in what others say or it might be for real. The truth is that real or not real she will always be a part of me, my heart and my path in life...

How could it just not be? I mean, we were best friends for so many years... We played together, we cried, laughed, joked, kicked ass, sang, made our own songs, we had our own language, we got in trouble together, and we lived our lives as if we were kids trying to get in trouble.. Sometimes we planned to get in trouble and we achieved our goal and sometimes we just planned it but decided that at that moment maybe people wouldn't take it as a joke and we dropped the mischievous plan. We never hurt anyone.

I miss my friend... I haven't really talked about it, haven't really said how I feel... I sometimes look up at the sky and a sigh comes out "I miss you pal" I whisper, and yet, I feel like she can hear me... She told me she would.. She believed in that, even though she was not a believer of a specific religion, just like me. As we said to each other many times; we believe in what we can do for ourselves, the rest of the story about if is there is a God or not, we will leave that for when we find out, meanwhile lets not mess it up, and just in case, lets believe that there is something more powerful that us...I guess by know, she found out the truth.. It will be my tirn someday, no doubt...

To this day I sometimes wake up at 2:00 a.m. and look at my phone "should I call her and see if she wants to take a drive to Lake Murray?" Then I realize that not only is she not with me in this earth, but I also deleted her phone number because I have actually dialed it before and when the "TOOROOROO The number you have dialed has been disconnected" I listen to that recording all the way, don't know why...One day someone answered with a very sleepy voice, it was a masculine voice.. I hung up and cried myself to sleep that night... I guess that call was the one that made the "quarter go down" that’s when I really realized that it didn't matter what happened, it was not a dream, she was not out of town or on vacation. Suz was gone... It was really hard and I was sick all weekend long... Felt alone.. That's how much she meant to me.. That's how close she was to me...

I have several friends. Some are best friends some are just friends I can hang out and play.. Suz and I were special friends, like dirt inside a nail, shoe and lace, belt and buckle, Jen and Suz...

Up on our hill at our lake there is a tree and a rock, both of them have our names and hammer and carved "Suz and Jenny best friends forever" Thank goodness it doesn't say, "till one of us dies" that's not the end of our friendship... Our friendship will never die, and it doesn't matter if one of us leaves life before the other one...It's there... rain or shine... hiding from visitors... I'll never say where that place is... I will go visit soon... It's a must... Too bad that Terry is in NC because we are the only two people alive that know how and where "our secret place" is... Not easy to get to, you better not be afraid of spiders or spider webs and you better have a good climbing ability...Secret it is....

Suz taught me many things and the last conversation we had the night before she passed away she said to me "when you look up at the sky, know that it is the ear of the universe, and whatever thoughts you have the universe can hear you and so will I" I said "Oh that's deep sistah, can I write that down?" she said "I'll write it for you" and she did...Suz words written on a piece of paper that is in my little memory box at home... I believe what she says, you know why? Because she never lied to me while she was alive... Oh wait! She did once when she told me that her shirt would look better on me, so we exchanged shirts and the truth was that she really liked my brand new polo shirt and wanted to wear it.. Then again, she told me the truth few hours later.

Suz.. I love ya sistah, you will always live in my heart and my memories... I have never stopped looking at the sky and saying "I miss you my friend, you know who you are, are you here with me? You can hear me".... I would give anything to swim with you one more time.. Just once...

Happy 4th of July sunshine, I know you saw the fireworks from heaven...

If there is music there.

Lyrics
Donna Summer
If there is music there.
If there is music thereIll have to go
Never been anything in my life that
I wanted moreThis is my greatest fear
That Im loosing you my dearIts more than I want to give
But if there is music thereIf there is music thereIll have to know
Never met anyone who could take music out of my soul
Theres something deep inside
That I no longer want to hideMy love you would never share
If there is music there
Its not my faultIve done no wrong
Its something that youve always known
I tried to tell you all alongIt seems that heaven has a plan
An extraordinary planA reason for my soul
For my soulIf there music there
Ill have to goNever found anyone who could take music out of my soul
This is my greatest fear
That Im loosing you my dear
Its more than I want to giveIts more than my heart can bear
I could be losing you
If there music there
Spoken:
Im so sorry, honey
Ive always loved youI do love you
But I just have to go