One year has passed since Suz left this earth. Boy do I miss her... In a way I've tried to put her in the back of my mind. Pretend that the pain of a huge loss is not there... She told me to be strong, she said that if guardian angels do exist and she went to heaven (which if there is such a thing, I know she is there) she would always be near me... Is there such a thing? Is she floating around like angels do? Is it possible for her to be near me sometimes? Is she taking care of Terry her partner of many years? Sometimes when the moon is full (that was our favorite thing to watch, a full moon) I look up and I think of Suz, I wonder if her spirit is around, and in a way, I feel her presence. It might be just me, imagining things, believing in what others say or it might be for real. The truth is that real or not real she will always be a part of me, my heart and my path in life...
How could it just not be? I mean, we were best friends for so many years... We played together, we cried, laughed, joked, kicked ass, sang, made our own songs, we had our own language, we got in trouble together, and we lived our lives as if we were kids trying to get in trouble.. Sometimes we planned to get in trouble and we achieved our goal and sometimes we just planned it but decided that at that moment maybe people wouldn't take it as a joke and we dropped the mischievous plan. We never hurt anyone.
I miss my friend... I haven't really talked about it, haven't really said how I feel... I sometimes look up at the sky and a sigh comes out "I miss you pal" I whisper, and yet, I feel like she can hear me... She told me she would.. She believed in that, even though she was not a believer of a specific religion, just like me. As we said to each other many times; we believe in what we can do for ourselves, the rest of the story about if is there is a God or not, we will leave that for when we find out, meanwhile lets not mess it up, and just in case, lets believe that there is something more powerful that us...I guess by know, she found out the truth.. It will be my tirn someday, no doubt...
To this day I sometimes wake up at 2:00 a.m. and look at my phone "should I call her and see if she wants to take a drive to Lake Murray?" Then I realize that not only is she not with me in this earth, but I also deleted her phone number because I have actually dialed it before and when the "TOOROOROO The number you have dialed has been disconnected" I listen to that recording all the way, don't know why...One day someone answered with a very sleepy voice, it was a masculine voice.. I hung up and cried myself to sleep that night... I guess that call was the one that made the "quarter go down" that’s when I really realized that it didn't matter what happened, it was not a dream, she was not out of town or on vacation. Suz was gone... It was really hard and I was sick all weekend long... Felt alone.. That's how much she meant to me.. That's how close she was to me...
I have several friends. Some are best friends some are just friends I can hang out and play.. Suz and I were special friends, like dirt inside a nail, shoe and lace, belt and buckle, Jen and Suz...
Up on our hill at our lake there is a tree and a rock, both of them have our names and hammer and carved "Suz and Jenny best friends forever" Thank goodness it doesn't say, "till one of us dies" that's not the end of our friendship... Our friendship will never die, and it doesn't matter if one of us leaves life before the other one...It's there... rain or shine... hiding from visitors... I'll never say where that place is... I will go visit soon... It's a must... Too bad that Terry is in NC because we are the only two people alive that know how and where "our secret place" is... Not easy to get to, you better not be afraid of spiders or spider webs and you better have a good climbing ability...Secret it is....
Suz taught me many things and the last conversation we had the night before she passed away she said to me "when you look up at the sky, know that it is the ear of the universe, and whatever thoughts you have the universe can hear you and so will I" I said "Oh that's deep sistah, can I write that down?" she said "I'll write it for you" and she did...Suz words written on a piece of paper that is in my little memory box at home... I believe what she says, you know why? Because she never lied to me while she was alive... Oh wait! She did once when she told me that her shirt would look better on me, so we exchanged shirts and the truth was that she really liked my brand new polo shirt and wanted to wear it.. Then again, she told me the truth few hours later.
Suz.. I love ya sistah, you will always live in my heart and my memories... I have never stopped looking at the sky and saying "I miss you my friend, you know who you are, are you here with me? You can hear me".... I would give anything to swim with you one more time.. Just once...
Happy 4th of July sunshine, I know you saw the fireworks from heaven...
Sunday, July 5, 2009
A year is gone and I miss my friend
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Missing someone means that they are missing you too. I like your site. Thanks! Here's a story in exchange.
WARM HEARTED HAND
The cattle truck showed up an hour late but at least it did finally arrive. We grabbed a long strong rope, some feed and a four-wheel drive Ford Tractor that had a bucket loader on the front of it.. The man in the truck followed us over to the other barn which was across the road from the main barnyard.
The bull that we were after was almost as big as the tractor but he was white with some light brown spots and the tractor was blue. Many men have been mauled and even killed while trying to remove a bull from a pasture but this bull was good natured and like all cattle, loves feed.
Coaxing cattle with feed is an old trick and more often than not it serves the purpose perfectly. I've seen whole herds of heifers chase a quad down the road when a man sat on the back with a five gallon bucket of feed for them follow.
But, we weren't driving cattle this time, so we tried to lasso the bull and separate him from the heifers. The man who brought the truck was following the bull around a feed trough that was out in the middle of the pasture while trying to toss the looped end of the rope over the big bulls massive head. The first attempt failed because the rope only grabbed one-half of the bulls head so we had to wait for the beast to shake it off before we could try again.
The idea was to lasso the bull but to let the rope go once we did. Once the rope was finally around the bulls neck, the plan was to recapture the loose end of the tether and tie it to back end of the tractor while the bull was being preoccupied with the feed. It would have worked if the rope had fell just right on the first try but since it didn't the bull was spooked and wouldn't come close enough for us to try it again.
One has to be calm and quiet around cattle because they can spook easy. Seeing that we had no chance of capturing the bull under the circumstances we decided to relocate the feed trough and get a longer rope. We moved the trough from the pasture up to the lower level of the old barn and started shaking the feed bucket again. The cattle answered the dinner call and as fortune would have it the bull went into the barn behind a heifer whereupon we closed the two in by shutting a metal gate.
Once inside the barn, the bull was preoccupied with eating feed so we were able to lasso him correctly this time. The bull was tied close to the back end of the tractor and then led to the cattle truck which was parked down by the road. I held the tether tight while another fellow operated the tractor. I rode on the tractor by standing on a running board and secured the animal by wrapping the rope around a solid bar that was attached to the tractor.
The bull came quietly but at one point it seemed like the bulls massive head was going to get jammed in between the back tire and the tractor's frame so we halted and readjusted the rope. The ramp up into the cattle truck was already down and the side gates had been attached so we pulled the bull up to the ramp, loosed the rope and prodded the bull up into the truck.
Well that was one down and another to go. The second bull was back in the main barnyard. So we repeated the process again, over there. The second bull was younger but he seemed to be more dangerous which is unusual because generally it's the other way around.
I was the youngest of our crew of four. George was the oldest at 88 years old, his brother Bob is 84 and John is about 70 years old. I am 55. Bob has breathing problems and he can't walk around to good so he operates the tractor. Bob has poor circulation also. I took my glove off and held his frozen left hand in mine for a moment so that it would warm back up. I overlooked the snot that had been wiped off onto the wrist and grabbed it anyway.
We all know how cold noses can run in the winter time. It was zero today.
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